“The Challenge of Forgiving”

A sermon preached on 7 Sept 2014, Pentecost XI, at New Hope, Oakville, CT, on Matt 18:15-20

I.                   Looking Out for One Another

For fifteen months journalist Sebastian Junger followed a single platoon of U.S. soldiers stationed in a dangerous part of Afghanistan. Living and working in the midst of a warzone made Junger realize how much the soldiers had to rely on each other. What you do or don’t do as a soldier affects everyone else in your platoon. Junger writes:

Margins were so small and errors potentially so catastrophic that every soldier had a kind of de facto authority to reprimand others—in some cases even officers. And because combat can hinge on [small] details, there was nothing in a soldier's daily routine that fell outside the group's purview. Whether you tied your shoes or cleaned your weapon or drank enough water or secured your night vision gear were all matters of public concern and so were open to public scrutiny.

Once I watched a private accost another private whose bootlaces were trailing on the ground. Not that he cared what it looked like, but if something happened out there—and out there, everything happened suddenly—the guy with the loose laces couldn't be counted on to keep his feet at a crucial moment. It was the other man's life he was risking, not just his own .... There was no such thing as personal safety out there; what happened to you happened to everyone.

I remember hearing a talk early on in my ordained ministry in which the speaker reminded us that we Christians might like to think that, as church members, we were passengers on a cruise ship – but the reality is, we are crew members on a battleship.  There are tremendous joys, great satisfactions, and enormous benefits to being a Christian, but they come to us not because we are relaxing in an atmosphere dedicated to giving us pleasure, but because we are part of a great expeditionary force to free captives and release prisoners held by the enemy.  We are at war.

It is, to be sure, a spiritual war.  As Paul reminds us in Ephesians 6:9, “For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.”  Our weapons in this warfare are not bombs, bullets, and propaganda, but rather the spiritual weapons of prayer, love, and truth.

We are to use prayer, love, and truth as we reach out into the community around us in evangelism and service in Jesus’ name.  We are to use prayer, love, and truth as we worship the Lord on Sunday mornings.  We are to use prayer, love, and truth as we go to work on Monday morning.  And we are to use prayer, love, and truth in all our relationships.

II.                The Need for Church Discipline

It is with this in mind that I want to look at our Gospel reading from Matthew 18.  This is a passage where Jesus is looking ahead to the days when his ministry will be carried out by his people, gathered in local congregations.  He knows the human heart, and so he knows that we will hurt one another in various ways.  He provides a godly way to deal with those hurts – not with anger and revenge, but with care and compassion, so that relationships are healed and the body is restored to health.

Every denomination and most independent congregations have used this passage as the core of their church laws on church discipline.  “Discipline” is not a word that we particularly like, and few people want to be disciplined – but the truth of the matter is, we all need a word of correction now and then.  When Paul wrote of Scripture in 2 Timothy 3:16, 17, he said, “All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work.”  Note that Paul, inspired by the Holy Spirit, assumes that people will need reproof and correction.

The rules that Jesus gave for church discipline are often used in a harsh and heavy-handed way, as people, trying to be obedient to the structure Jesus has given us, read this passage – and often only this passage.  But the reality is that there are many other passages in the Bible that speak of how we are to deal with the reality that we are sinners who are forgiven but not yet perfect.  If we simply look at the context of the passage we read this morning, we see that it is surrounded by compassion and mercy.  Chapter 18 opens by noting that the disciples are engaged in a discussion of which of them is the greatest – and I suspect that it was not a calm discussion, but possibly one in which each put forth his virtues and pointed out the shortcomings of his fellow disciples emphatically.  Jesus intervened, telling them that their discussion was pointless, for, he tells us, we are to be like little children.  He goes on to remind them that presenting others with temptations is a dreadful thing to do, worthy of divine punishment.  He tells us that we are to avoid tempting situations even if the cost of doing so is great: “cut off your hand…”  Then Jesus goes on to give the Parable of the Lost Sheep, in which he says that each one of his people is of such great importance to him that he will search high and low to restore them, like a shepherd leaving ninety-nine sheep in the fold to go find one that is out in the wilderness.  Then following this passage on dealing with a brother or sister who has sinned against you, Jesus tells the Parable of the Unforgiving Servant.  He reminds us that we have been forgiven far greater offenses against a loving God than any person could offend against us, and that therefore the only possible thing to do is forgive as we have been forgiven.

The context of the passage reminds us that church discipline is to be carried out in compassion and love.  We are reminded of this need by what Paul says in Galatians 6:1-2, “Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness, lest you too be tempted.  Bear one another’s burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ.”  Correction must be clear, but it also must be careful and caring.

During the Reformation, many of the Reformers said that the three marks of a true church are the preaching of the Word, the celebration of the Sacraments, and the administration of church discipline.  They saw discipline as needed for several reasons.  One is that false teaching had to be pointed out, and the false teacher either corrected or removed from a teaching ministry.  Secondly is that sins against one another harm the Body of Christ – certainly those immediately involved, but also others nearby.  If you have ever been in a work setting where two of your co-workers were at odds with each other, you know how their bad relationship affects the whole workplace.  It is much harder to get the job done when tension fills the air.  Thirdly, a person cannot grow in the knowledge of the Lord and in faith unless they are able to know their sins and faults and deal with them.  Hopefully, we are sensitive to our own sins, but we can be blind and need another person humbly to help us to see our weaknesses.

Church discipline is not the easiest thing in the world.  It is, however, something that is needed for the health and growth of the church, individually and as a community.

III.             If You Are the One to Go to Another

The Gospel reading begins with Jesus saying, “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between him and you alone.”  There are two things I want to note about what Jesus says here.  The first is that we are to go to the person in question – we are not to go to someone else and say, “I am so hurt!  You won’t believe what Sam did to me…”  I know that it is tempting to go to someone else and gripe, for talking to someone else about their sin is a very difficult thing, and it is comforting just to complain and not confront.  Jesus is clear, however: if we have been hurt, there is only one person to speak to, and that is the person who hurt you.

The second thing I will note is that Jesus is providing a way for the other person to recognize his sin, repent of it, be forgiven, and all the while keep his dignity.  If it is just between the two of you, then those who are not directly affected by the sin need not know about it.  The two of you can deal with it, it can be forgiven, and then you can both let go of it.  You and the other person will have grown in the process.  If he cares to share how he grew with others afterwards, that is fine; it is his choice – but do not share the situation with anyone else beforehand, and only with the other’s permission afterwards.

We are to go to the other person – and that to me raises another question: how are we to go?  It is important that we go in the right frame of mind, or we may do more harm than good.  As the passage in Galatians says, if we see another in sin, we are to go “in a spirit of gentleness.”  We cannot go in a spirit of anger, or in a desire to make the other person feel miserable.  Anger will only raise the other person’s defenses and make it impossible for him to receive a call to repentance.  A desire for someone else to feel miserable is also something that raises defenses and prevents a godly response to a word of correction.

There is only one way to go, and that is in the spirit that the unforgiving servant should have had: in humility.  You may well have been grievously hurt by your brother or sister in Christ – but what that person has done is nothing compared to what you have done to God.  To sin against the living God means that at a legal level, we have broken his law, and deserve death from him because of that.  Every sin is an act of treason against the Kingdom of God.  More than that, at a personal level, we have in effect said to God, “You may consider yourself wise, but you are not as wise as me – I know better than you.”  We have said, “If you really loved me, you would have allowed me to do this – and because you told me not to, it is clear that you do not love me.  Some ‘Father’ you are!”

Our sins are both a legal offense against the laws of the King and a personal affront to our loving heavenly Father.  We have broken both his law and his heart with our sins.  Yet in Romans 5:8 we read, “But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”  We have done nothing to earn or deserve God’s mercy in forgiving us our sins and his grace in granting us the very righteousness of Christ so that we may stand before him as sons and daughters, fully accepted and called beloved.  We have not and we could not have earned such an enormous blessing – so when we go to another who has sinned against us, we go as forgiven sinners.

We need to go to someone who has sinned against us; we need to forgive, and they need to repent.  We both need to grow through doing so.  But there is only one way to meet an erring brother or sister: at the foot of the cross, for only in the cross do either of us receive God’s grace.

If your first, private, interview does not bring repentance, then you would need to follow with the remaining steps, of bringing two or three others to bear witness to the conversation and to encourage the erring person to repent – or, if needed, bring the matter before the whole congregation, since the sin affects them as well, if only indirectly.

If worst comes to worst, then the person will need to be excluded from the communion.  Jesus tells us to treat such an unrepentant person “a Gentile and tax collector,” which means that they are to be outside table fellowship.  But at the end of Matthew, Jesus sends us “into all the world,” to the Gentiles, to make disciples, so we are to treat them with love and respect, seeking to win them back to a full-fledged faith in Christ, so that they can be restored to full fellowship and enjoy the Christian community again.

I heard the story of a man who was a member in good standing of a church and who committed adultery.  He rejected all attempts to correct him and refused to reconcile to his wife.  Indeed, he divorced her.  He told the elders of the congregation to go away; the last thing he wanted to do was to darken the doorway of that church again – and he vanished.

Two years later, he called the pastor, anxious to restore his relationship to the church – and to his wife.  His wife was astonished.  She had been reluctant to trust him, but the obvious changes in his priorities and in his life opened her heart to him.  This man was active in the Army Reserves, and his unit had been sent overseas to process the bodies of the military who died in Iraq and prepare them for their return to the States. God's hand was working in his life as he was confronted on a daily basis with the brevity of life and permanence of eternity. Following this tour of duty, and upon returning home, he met with the elders, confessed his sin, and asked to be forgiven for his arrogance and the impact his life had on the local body.

The church had humbly and lovingly followed the directions of the Lord Jesus – and in due course, at a time when no one expected it, the Lord used their discipline and the man’s experiences to restore a heart to the Kingdom.

IV.              If You Are the One Approached

Let’s look at this idea of going to the one who has offended you from another angle: suppose YOU are the one who is approached and asked to repent.  What then?  It is hard enough to go to someone who has transgressed against you – what if you are the one who is thought to have done wrong?

As Pastor John Ortberg has said, “Trying to grow spiritually without hearing the truth about yourself from somebody else is like trying to do brain surgery on yourself without a mirror.”  If somebody comes to you and tells you that you have done something to wrong them, accept them and hear them out.  After all, we are all sinners and we sin every day in ways both large and small.  It is quite possible to do something to hurt someone else and never notice that we did.

Of course, perhaps we have done something wrong and recognized that we have harmed someone else a bit later – or, sadly, we have seen an opportunity to help ourselves at the expense of another person and taken that opportunity, hiding our actions as much as possible.  In Matt 5:23, Jesus tells that if we are aware that we have sinned against someone, to set aside even worship and go to the person we have harmed and ask their forgiveness.  But if we have ignored that instruction, and someone comes to us, we need to listen carefully to what they are saying.

Perhaps the perceived offense is really a misunderstanding.  In that case, if you have received the other person graciously, it will be much easier to see if it is indeed a misunderstanding and if so to clear it up.  As Proverbs 15:1 says, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”  After all, even if the person is mistaken about the offense, or comes with some anger or a desire for revenge, the intention is still to make things right, and that is commendable.

In the course of my walk with the Lord, I have had people come to me a number of times and say, “There is something we need to talk about.”  What followed has never been easy, and the first few times I entered into such a conversation, I fought their assertions tooth and nail.  I was blessed those first few times to be dealing with people who were patient and determined and who wore down my wall of resistance.  When I heard what they had to say, it was not easy, but it was good for me.  Sometimes I had offended them, and other times, the person noticed a pattern of behavior in my life that was harming others or getting in the way of my effectiveness as a servant of God, and they wanted me to know about it and repent of it.

It is a blessing to be corrected.  We do not like to think that, but it is true.  Part of what goes on within us sinners is that we believe, in our heart of hearts, that we are acceptable to other people and to God based on our performance.  We see people being applauded for achievements in school, or sports, or in other areas of life, and it is easy for us to believe that God operates in the same way, so that we must perform in order to be commended and accepted by him.  If we think that the basis of our acceptance before God depends on what we do and how well we do it, we are certain to protect our images by refusing to hear any criticism.  We will resist strongly, and what began as an effort to help us grow in grace and in love becomes a shouting match.

But if we recognize the reality is that we are indeed sinners whose only hope of acceptance before the living, holy God is the matchless work of the Lord Jesus as he laid down his life as a sacrifice on our behalf, then we can receive correction with graciousness.  We know that he has taken our sins and given us life and his own righteousness, so we need not defend our own accomplishments.

Jesus gave us these commands in Matthew 18, along with those in Matthew 5, because he knew that we are, like the disciples, prone to step on one another’s toes.  Since we are his chosen vehicle for reaching the world, he wants us to stay in fellowship and be partners in the Gospel, using our gifts to bring others to Christ, to train them, and to enable them to reflect his glory and reveal his character.  We need one another to fulfill the great commission that the Lord Jesus has given us.  We are in the midst of a great expedition to rescue captives and to free slaves – and it requires teamwork by a team who cares for one another.

There is great joy in being a Christian, for we are becoming what God created us to be as we grow in Christ.  We can know the Father, who loves us and cares for us, because of Jesus, his Son, who died for us, and we can serve him in the power of his Holy Spirit – but we do so not as a collection of individuals, but as a team.  As I said at the beginning, we are not passengers on a cruise ship but the crew members of a battleship.  Our weapons of warfare are not bombs and bullets, but prayer, love, and truth.  If prayer, truth, and love characterize our relationships with one another in the local congregation, they will also be seen in how we reach out to those who do not yet believe.

As crew members we encourage each other to be our best – to bring growth to one another and honor to Jesus as we become more and more like him.  It is for this reason that Jesus says, “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone.”  When we speak the truth in love to one another, we are like Jesus, who always spoke the truth, and always spoke in love.

To the Lord who came to us when we had sinned against him be glory now and ever more.